1. 2 years ago 

    Recent update

    Me and Thao became friends again, it feels good. It feels good to have a sister like her back in my life. Things been back to normal it felt like nothing ever happen between us. We just been a tad sick, so can’t be adventurous as we were back then. But soon, soon! I spent most of my second winter break with her which was pretty good.

    And of course with Thao back in my life, here comes along James lol.

    I been spending a lot with Eddie and Char, great times with them. Redwood city girls that I met, man are they the shit, I have so much fun with them. We all click like nothing.

    Everything has been great when it comes with friends wise. Just a tad stressed out from school. Which is for me to blame, sometimes I wonder why do I do this, why do I get so lazy to get up for school, with my attitude like this, I sure am going no where. I need to change things up and not only with school but with everything.

    I mean yeah, I have no rights to be mad, but hey I’m only human. It irritates and hurts so much seeing or hearing that Johnny and Jeanette are hanging out. Yeah I may had hurt Johnny but did he forget all the things we been through and who we were to each other. But damn to see him resolve shit with everyone else and me and him are still like this, it hurts and kill me so much inside. But hey what do I expect as more months pass by, I get to the end realizing we’ll never be back. I miss him at times but I’m learning to live my life without him. I mean he’s doing it, why must I dwell. Sigh but at times, how could I not miss his big head, the way he makes me feel and how I felt if I had him, theres no fear of anything or any worries towards the stress of the world. But I’m glad to see him happy. It just hurts to see him happy without me.

    So I finally found out all this long Lindsey had a tumblr, there wasnt much to read. I mean honestly I learn to live without her from day one when we went separate ways, but at times I can’t help it with my big heart I still care. So I found out her and Sai broked up, not sure on what the reasons were, but by her recent blog, she is hurting. I was a bit surprised when I felt myself hurting as well to hearing about her pain. I still care for her a lot, I really wish I can reach out and try to be there for her, but with the way things are between me and her and how long it has been since we last talk, I just can’t. Yeah, maybe it has to do with my pride and ego, but really? I should only have to care a limit, I tried reaching out when I found out about her grandma and then she started mugging me after… uhh no thanks. But honestly I wish the best for her, it must really hurt.

  2. Notes: 8 / 3 years ago 
    [Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

    Woke up and got ready for the gym, because we were going to shoot around before the game. Got there and started playing a game with the team, it was fun for a while. Then it ended pretty shortly, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, so I decided to go see her for the last time.


    When I got there, I try making a move on her, but for one hour straight she rejected everything I did. I wonder is it because of him, that she’s doing or is it because she lost feelings for me. It’s probably one of those reasons. Then it got worst, I started getting angry and angry thinking about him, Then I blew up in her face, saying stuff I didn’t mean, but it’s like I couldn’t hold it back anymore I just don’t understand her, she saids she loves me but yeah why is she with another guy then? Damn then she had enough and she blew up in tears and yelling at me, I have never seen her like that since two years and three months ago. She went crazy, while she was screaming at me, all I kept on thinking in my head, was baby I love you, and the past. I try holding her down, but she kept pushing me away, walking out of the room, pushing me away and away, till I pulled her in my arms, she was hugging me and crying, damn in my mind. I was thinking, what am i doing?, I love this girl so much, I don’t want her to be like this anymore. I want her to be happy, even if it isn’t with me. While holding her, and her crying on my shoulders, all I kept wondering was, will one day me and her will be back together. But I want her to be happy, I want her to smile, even though I honestly believe she will be more happy with me. But in my mind, it’s like I can feel her heart telling me to let go. So with all the pain and fears in my heart, I made a promise to her, that I will stop loving her. Making that promise was so hard for me, I knew I could do it, but even if it puts me through a shit load of pain to force myself to stop liking her I will. I just hope she will never forget how much I loved her.


    After her house, coach picked me and Percilla up and took us to school, where the bus was at. Got to the game, I was pumped up, during the game, we were doing really good at the beginning where we actually got them scared. But the game wasn’t going so well, which really sucks though because coach is right, in a way is like god is giving us a second chance to prove to everyone wrong, and the rest comes up to how bad we want it. I knew the team wanted, but we weren’t playing like we wanted it. We lost by thirty, but it’s ok because I put my heart in the game like I promise.


    After the game Jeanette, Julie, and Van was there waiting for me, I found out Van drove them there, so we decided to go get a bite at Wendys. Then we head over to the mall, I hit up James seeing why he didn’t go to my game and what he’s up to, so we end up picking up James. It started raining, and Van was a little nervous driving but he was doing ok. We picked up James and decided to go see city lights haha, since Van was in the rush, he drove up to Valley Christian and was like this is what I present to you guys haha. It look like shit. But it was all good. Then Van asked James if he can get the car and drive me and Nette home, since he needs to get home and drop off Julie. Van drop me, Nette, and James off at James place, he sneak into his garage and sneak out the car haha. When we got in, we realized it was to early to go home and we don’t want to put a good night go to waste. So James just drove us around up to EV. While in the car it felt good just cruising through my emotions, while Nette was talking I was just thinking about her and what happened today. The cruise felt peaceful just driving around in the car, with the pouring rain on the window, and the thoughts of her. But I know I need to let go, but I know it’s killing me slowly.


    Then we decided to go over to Nette house to eat hu tiue and play Halo 3. It was fun playing Halo 3 even though Jeanette killed me like hella times. Eating with those two was fun, felt really close together and for some reason it was really good. Afterwards James and me got in the car so he can drive me home. On the way home, I was just telling him how I feel about her, yeah we were cruising through my emotions again, it felt good.

    I guess in a way today thinking about what happened, I cant seem to get that image out of my head, But in a way that woke me up. I’m starting living up to my promise, I will. There’s been a lot of people checking my Live Journal, might as well tell me who you are. whatever, But my heart is dying, because in a way I’m forcing my heart to do something it doesn’t want to do.

  3. 3 years ago 

    Damn you HANGOVER!

    Damn didn’t get home till ten something this morning, we left Johnnie house at nine in the morning, ugh I have a hangover! Damn practice is at four today, I didn’t even up going, at first it was because I wasn’t feeling good but I think it was because I was lazy. But I heard it was a easy practice and that Deisy and Sopimp is playing with us tomorrow at the CCS game. We’re playing against Silver Creek damn, I honestly wonder how we’re going to do, but damn I should had went to practice.


    I stayed up the whole day, just sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Sigh so I called her, seems hopeless more and more, every time I talk to her. But I miss her so much, I can’t even breath, I think about her every minute whatever.


    Stayed home and chill that was my day, since I had a hangover didn’t felt like doing much.


    But my feelings were just to depress to speak of.

    But  I promise you Danielle no ones ever going to hurt you again.

  4. 3 years ago 

    Johnnie’s house in Morgan Hill for his birthday, Alcohol, strobe light, dares, to many gangsters, one cute rude ass girl. Slept over!

  5. 3 years ago 

    ” you guys are really cute together “

    Saturday morning went over to balleys to pay for the membership bill, then head over to Chi Hai’s house and started cooking breakfast. It was cool hanging out with them, I been hanging out with them a lot. Then I called up James telling him he should meet up with me to go to AJ’s party because there was going to be drinks and shit. Jodie, James, me and Aileen went and dudee it was a whack ass party, they look so dull, but it was just a chill back party in a way I guess. Nothing exciting but whatever. We watched the L word this lesbian Tv show. It was crazy haha. But yeah I loved AJ beef though, I don’t know what she marinate it with, but it was the shit! I was chilling in AJ’s room with the rest of the lesbians haha, Then Soopimp was like hey that girl from that one day is she your girlfriend, I was like ex. She’s like she’s hella pretty, they’re like what happened? I was like basically she left me for another guy. Then Soopimp was like Damn you guys are hella cute together though! yeah you guys are. whatever!


    After that me Jodie, and James got picked up and Jodie got dropped off at home, while me and James just went over to qcup to chill. Then my mom came to pick me up, when I got home. I started thinking about her again and couldn’t stand it. So i called up my cousin, asking him is there any partys going on right now, and he’s like Tony Chi is having a party right now. My cousin picked me up, and I ran into a lot of Jack friends, which was weird. But I was just there to drink, so I didn’t care. I don’t remember much from the party, but I was pretty wasted.

  6. 3 years ago 
    It was like a walk to remember. Woke up, didn’t felt like wearing orange, school was pretty normal. In leadership class it was fun, Emanuel and Jeanette were taking some pictures, they look really cool too. Then rally came, coach said my name while calling up the players, she called it once, and I didn’t hear, then she called it again, and I still didn’t hear haha, Embarassing! The rally ended short because people just started leaving that was crazy, it’s like school no longer has spirit. While sitting there watching the rally, right when I turned I saw her, I was like Damn. After the rally I tried ignoring her, but I couldn’t because I just wanted to talk to her, beside I knew she was going to walk home and I didn’t want to walk alone to Chi Hais house. I went up to James and he asked me if i wanted to go to his game, I was down since I had no plans for a Friday night anyways. He told me his sister was on the way home from school, so later she’ll come and get me and me and her will head over to his game. Then I called Amy telling her let’s walk home, so we did. While walking home we were joking and messing around, I decided instead of walking straight home let’s go over to Sylvandale. When we got there, I couldn’t help it but to make a move on her. But of course she rejected it, but then I was like so show me how much you liked the Valentine present, haha. Then she started kissing my neck like the old times and it lead up to my lips. It felt so good feeling her lip and kiss, is like I can still feel it now. While just chilling in the back of Sylvandale kissing her, it never felt so good before, it felt like it was last kisses I will ever get. Then we started walking off to the parking lot, and she heard the ice cream man and she wanted ice cream, so we ran after him haha, who does that? We bought the Ice cream, and started walking. We took the short cut, the one that would had bring back a lot of memories for us. It was around Diana neighborhood. I took her there, because thats the same neighborhood where I first me her, now I wanted it to be the place where I say goodbye. I love her so much, damn, I miss her like hell. But fuck what more can I do, I want to hold on but it seems like theres no more hope and my heart is just breaking even more and more everyday. After I told her everything I wanted to say, we both walked separate ways, its a walk i will remember, because while walking through the same neighborhood, it reminded me of everything. But now it would no longer matter to her or me. Went over to Chi Hai’s house her mom got me a big bowl of food, because she knew I was hungry. Chilled for a while then walked over to Sylvandale and Tina picked me up. We drove down to Del Mar, James had  pretty good game, JV won by twenty that was pretty good. Varsity lost by one, and the game was pretty good. It was just fun sitting there with James, Johnny and Mai talking haha. Then James, Tina and me left to go meet up with Anh, Annie, Percilla, Lily and Romaro at Spaghetti Factory. It was my first time, but they made it so worth it. It was really funny, Lily is so funny haha. She was telling us random stories and her and Romaro are just so stupid, and Anh and Annie all they kept doing was laughing, me and James did the same we would give each other looks knowing we were about to laugh. It was cool chilling with them, then Tina dropped me off home. I guess today was really something to remember.

    It was like a walk to remember.

    Woke up, didn’t felt like wearing orange, school was pretty normal. In leadership class it was fun, Emanuel and Jeanette were taking some pictures, they look really cool too. Then rally came, coach said my name while calling up the players, she called it once, and I didn’t hear, then she called it again, and I still didn’t hear haha, Embarassing! The rally ended short because people just started leaving that was crazy, it’s like school no longer has spirit.


    While sitting there watching the rally, right when I turned I saw her, I was like Damn. After the rally I tried ignoring her, but I couldn’t because I just wanted to talk to her, beside I knew she was going to walk home and I didn’t want to walk alone to Chi Hais house. I went up to James and he asked me if i wanted to go to his game, I was down since I had no plans for a Friday night anyways. He told me his sister was on the way home from school, so later she’ll come and get me and me and her will head over to his game. Then I called Amy telling her let’s walk home, so we did. While walking home we were joking and messing around, I decided instead of walking straight home let’s go over to Sylvandale. When we got there, I couldn’t help it but to make a move on her. But of course she rejected it, but then I was like so show me how much you liked the Valentine present, haha. Then she started kissing my neck like the old times and it lead up to my lips. It felt so good feeling her lip and kiss, is like I can still feel it now. While just chilling in the back of Sylvandale kissing her, it never felt so good before, it felt like it was last kisses I will ever get.


    Then we started walking off to the parking lot, and she heard the ice cream man and she wanted ice cream, so we ran after him haha, who does that? We bought the Ice cream, and started walking. We took the short cut, the one that would had bring back a lot of memories for us. It was around Diana neighborhood. I took her there, because thats the same neighborhood where I first me her, now I wanted it to be the place where I say goodbye. I love her so much, damn, I miss her like hell. But fuck what more can I do, I want to hold on but it seems like theres no more hope and my heart is just breaking even more and more everyday.


    After I told her everything I wanted to say, we both walked separate ways, its a walk i will remember, because while walking through the same neighborhood, it reminded me of everything. But now it would no longer matter to her or me.


    Went over to Chi Hai’s house her mom got me a big bowl of food, because she knew I was hungry. Chilled for a while then walked over to Sylvandale and Tina picked me up.

    We drove down to Del Mar, James had  pretty good game, JV won by twenty that was pretty good. Varsity lost by one, and the game was pretty good. It was just fun sitting there with James, Johnny and Mai talking haha. Then James, Tina and me left to go meet up with Anh, Annie, Percilla, Lily and Romaro at Spaghetti Factory. It was my first time, but they made it so worth it. It was really funny, Lily is so funny haha. She was telling us random stories and her and Romaro are just so stupid, and Anh and Annie all they kept doing was laughing, me and James did the same we would give each other looks knowing we were about to laugh. It was cool chilling with them, then Tina dropped me off home. I guess today was really something to remember.

     
  7. 3 years ago 

    Happy Valentines Day!

    So today I had to go over to Chi Hai house in the morning to drop off the stuff that I needed to ask her to drop off for Amy. I always know Chi Hai has my back every time my cousin flakes out on me. Then I had to call Edibles to make sure they had  my order and it was going to send my arrangements over to Kim. While taking the bus to Chi Hai house, Jodie cookie almost flew away haha. When I got over to Chi Hai house, every single one of them kept asking so are you talking to Amy again, nope sigh whatever. She’s just my Valentines, today I realized it was pretty windy and knowing how Amy is I knew she didn’t have a jacket or anything. So during English class I walked out to call her and asked does she need a jacket, yeah I just didn’t want her to get sick again. She’s a mess when she’s sick, cute but a mess haha.


    School was normal, but it sucks seeing couples every where and everyone being all happy about Valentine. I was ok about it, I guess, though tonight I’m suppose to go downtown to eat with Kim since she has this whole surprise set up for me. To me I was like whatever about it, I sorta feel like she’s just trying to win my heart. But truth is right now, I don’t even know where my heart is. At lunch we were standing there talking and laughing like usual, then called up Amy, to see if she got it, then KIm text me telling how happy and sweet I was. But for Kim all I did was got Edibles to send her a rose strawberry chocolate bouquet and a dozen roses form the flower store. Amy seems happy about it and that made me felt so much happier then hearing how Kim felt, didn’t know why I guess. But whatever.
    Then it was after school, I don’t know I was just having a bad day and it felt weird. I just walked away from everyone because I didn’t want to deal or see anyone. But things got better once I started talking to Danielle and Jodie. I don’t know what kills me the most is how she’s still put up with that guy even though he seems like nothing. But I guess it shows how much she likes him over me right? The day just felt funky, my feelings and thoughts were all funky, didn’t really understand it.


    At the game, me and Danielle decided to go to Subway to get something to eat because we were hungry. When we got back, me and her got into a deep talk. I found out hella crazy shit about her, damn. Then we Edit later.

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" Sometimes the best way to heal and find answers to our struggles and problems is to let the emotions be read through the eyes which soaks in through the mind and heart. Better than letting it pour out of the mouth, never knowing where it would go or lead to. "
 
 

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